it will all go back to the way its supposed to be.

carcrashending @ 2006-09-30T16:36:00

2006-09-30T20:48:10Z

update? i think so.

so i failed my calc and physics exam and got a 60 on my statics exam. wow im doing great, right? i just cant seem to motivate myself to study anymore. im not sure what the hell is going on with me. im just so lazy and im hoping and praying that i can just go to a few classes and do a few assignments and not really put any effort into class and still manage to pass like i did in high school. but im starting to think i cant. which is scary. i dont fail. i just dont. even spring semester when i was so scared of failing calc 2 and computer science, i managed to pass with a 2.0 which was really good. and now im taking classes i should be able to do because they arent even that hard, but i cant seem to study or even make it to class. i do have another statics exam next friday, so im going to try and bring that one up but well see.

tony and i havent been too good lately. we almost broke up. i wanted to die. bascially he did something he promised he wouldnt and when i asked him he lied and said he didnt. then i found a message he sent a friend saying he did the thing. i seriously didnt even know what to do. and for that 2 hour period of screaming and tears i didnt think i could ever love someone who could lie to me. i punched him in the face twice. hahaha. apparently i have a killer right hook. who'da thunk it? but after me telling him how everyone was right and that hes a loser and so disgusting, etc, he basically broke down and started crying. it was so scary. he doesnt cry. ever. like. NEVER. and to just see him so low and hurt and sorry. i dont know. there was no way i couldnt try to make things work. but alot of things were said that i know have been on both of our minds for some time but we were too afraid to say them. i think it was good though. because now its all in the open. apparently he felt i was being too controlling and jealous and it was frustrating him and thats why he didnt want to move in with me next year. but he didnt say anything because as long as i was happy he was ok with pretending he was too. i dont know. he said he kind of wanted to break up with me but after all of that happened he got really scared he was going to lose me and apparently he appreciates me so much more now. which is good. and i feel like things are going to be ok. i hope. i really really do. i want things to be ok more than anything.

so last night we just stayed in and didnt drink or anything and we just sat on his couch and watched v for vendetta, which by the way is a great movie. and i couldnt help but think of michelle's obsession she always writes about in here about that movie. lol. but anyways, it was nice to just sit there and do nothing with him. he even bought me flowers. he said it was the first time he ever bought flowers in his life. haha. so that says something.

now im at work. and i should be doing homework. but i really dont want to. oh well. i have another 3 hours here and 4 more tomorrow so im sure itll get done by then. i guess im gonna go do something else cause writing in this is boring me.

and i dont know why but im seriously obsessed with the last five years right now. i had it blaring in my room and some girl shouted "good song room 326". haha. apparently someone else likes it too? ok bye.

carcrashending @ 2006-09-21T20:39:00

2006-09-22T00:54:30Z

so today was quite interesting. i had work from 9-1, honors research seminar from 3-3:50, physics from 4:10-5, calc from 6-7:10, and now im back at work from 8-11. ugh. but really. what would i be doing in my room? messing around on the computer, watching sex and the city, and not doing homework. so basically im getting paid right now to do the same as i would be otherwise. minus sex and the city. but still.

so i got my first calc 3 exam back today. i got a 39. not good. not good at all. i really need to start putting more effort or something into school. i think i might need to get a tutor for it because i really cant afford to get a 2.0 in anything anymore. and i have a physics exam on thursday which im extremely nevous about. but sexy rob said he would help me study so between him and my roomie who is a former physics major, im sure i can pull off at least a 70. wow that sounds bad. especially since i used to freak out if i got like under an 80. oh well. live and learn.

but yea. ive been rethinking my major bigtime. its just so hard. and abby and i were talking cause she switched from physics to earth science, and like, its really not worth it if i put so much effort into this and barely get by and im not even happy. i want to enjoy college, study and good amount, but still have fun and get decent grades. i mean, im not asking for all 4.0's but at least a 3.0 isnt too much to ask. so ive been rethinking why i even chose civil engineering. and i dont really know if i chose it for the right reasons. i mean, yea i want money and i know that sounds bad but when youve lived in poverty for most of your life, you tend to want to prevent any possibility of that happening again. so i chose engineering cause they get paid so much money. and i love it. but i dont know if i can do it.

so basically ive been considering possibly education. secondary. maybe teaching math or english or biology. i dont know. but what sucks at that now that im technically a junior by credit, i should already be in the college of education and im not. so i dont know how that is going to work out. but im going to see an advisor tomorrow to figure some things out. hopefully she can help a little.

i just want to be happy. and last night i cried for like 20 minutes before going to sleep while tony lay next to me. and i was just so overcome with not knowing what to do. basically my family is really proud of me for even getting into msu to begin with because nobody in my family went to college let alone a state university. and i dont know. i cant get the image out of my head of one time with uncle bob and i was saying that i didnt know if i could do it and he told me im the smartest person he knows and he thinks i can do it. and like, letting him down is something i couldnt do. because he is like a father to me. and more of a parent than my mother ever was. i dont know. i just dont want to let them down. and then theres my mom who always told me i couldnt do it because im bad at math or im not smart enough for engineering or when she said i wasnt smart enough to go to msu. i just want to prove her wrong i guess and show that i can do anything i set my mind to.

so basically the conclusion to all that rambling: i am going to try to finish this semester and see where i stand at the end. if i get through these classes and decide its too hard and not worth it, then ill change to education. if i feel that if i put enough effort into it and can do it, then ill give it another try. so we'll see.

man i miss livejournal. even though i know nobody reads this, its good to be able to write in this and express what im going through lately and thinking that maybe somebody out there is reading it and knows what im going through. maybe not. but its just nice to know there is a chance.

so i guess i should go do some homework and study because if im going to be an engineer, i need to work for it.

carcrashending @ 2006-09-19T12:30:00

2006-09-19T16:45:19Z

so its been a while. but im at work. and i feel like updating. um. classes are going ok. theyre hard but then again so is engineering.

ive been feeling really nostalgic lately. i dont know why. i just miss so many things. i miss being in high school and my biggest worry being how we are going to get a show running by the end of tech week or what im going to do after the show. i just miss not having so much goddamn responsibility. and altough i always have had to be responsible for myself in one way or another, this is so much different because im making decisions that are going to effect the rest of my life.

and recently ive been questioning my degree choice. i mean, i love engineering and its really interesting and fun, but at the same time its just so hard and i really dont know if i am smart enough to do it. i really miss being an english major but lets face it, that was going nowhere fast. i wish i could be one of those starvin artist people who live for their art and dont let money or anything get in the way of that. and while in a sense i am one of those people because i dont really care if i live in a massive house or a small apartment and i dont really care if i drive a mercedes or my little neon, but at the same time, i know this is my future and i would like some sort of stability to depend on. i dont know. and paul keeps trying to convince me to become an english teacher or something but at the same time, i would not be a good teacher and im half way through my major. like ill seriously be done after fall semester 08. so itll be like these 2 years of hard work were all in vain and completely useless. maybe i could try to get a degree in civil engineering and then also get a second major in english or something. i dont know. i should go see an advisor.

other then that, my life has been pretty slow. ive been working at the map library. which is really nice. cause its quiet and pretty much no one comes in here. so im by myself or with one or two other workers and i just kind of do my own thing. its nice. esp compared to the cafe or ninos which were hella busy all the time. ew i just said hella. haha.

tony and i have been good lately. and i know its probably just me being paranoid, but sometimes i get scared he doesnt like me anymore. but then there are times i know he loves me more than anything. i dont know. maybe weve just been together for a long time and its like that new relationship phase is over and now were into a new phase. i dont know. but yesterday was our 10 months. which i know isnt really long in the grand scope of things, esp compared to marlene who has been with shawn for like 20 years, but for me its a long time.

im listening to the last five years. good album. it makes me so...i dont know. i love it. i miss my theatre days. when i would go to school for 8 hours and then stay for a 5 hour shop call. or tech weeks. haha. good times. but at the same time im so over theatre. its nice to listen to old broadway shows and reminisce though.

only 15 minutes left of work. i should go reshelf these books before i leave. ya know, actually do work since im at work instead of updating lj. whatev.

there are so many dreams i need to see with you...
there are so many years i need to be with you...
i will never be complete
i will never be alive
i will never change the world
until i do

carcrashending @ 2006-08-20T20:36:00

2006-08-21T00:42:11Z

so today was pretty cool. i moved in. and it sucked not having an elevator and having to move everyting up to the 3rd floor using stairs. whatev.

ub gave me some money for books. sweet. we ate dinner. it was grand. they all left. i cleaned a little. went to my cafe meeting. lame. haha. but i told the manager that i applied to be a student supervisor and never got an interview and she said maybe in a few weeks after we get up and running cause they really need more or something? so thats good.

then i came back. did some more cleaning. met the neighbors. they are really cool. invited me to go out with them tonight. i probably will seeing as how i have nothing to do tonight.

phil might come visit tomorrow and spend the night so we can drink our asses off. rob will obviously be joining. duh. only i have to work at 9 on tuesday so well see.

right now im just chilling. everything is pretty much put away. im about to hop in the shower. maybe take the girls up on their offer to hang out tonight. probably.

tomorrow i have work from 9-5. lame. i get to be trained to do things in the cafe i already know how to do. wtf cafe.

but i miss tony. and i wish he were here :/ oh well. i get to see him in 3 days! im so excited. he probably could care less. haha. just kidding. but yea.

so i guess im gonna go do something better now.

carcrashending @ 2006-08-19T01:45:00

2006-08-19T05:53:49Z

so today was pretty lame. worked from 9:30-5. didnt want to. dont want to work tomorrow. my mom keeps telling me to call in. but i dont think its responsible esp since its my last day. but in all fairness i have absolutely nothing done for moving in sunday. all of my stuff needs to be gone through and packed and whatnot. and uncle bob wants to leave early sunday morning. like 9 or 10. so yea. ugh. whatever.

after work uncle bob and i went to dinner. went to grandmas house. discussed the politics of the war in vietnam, e85 fuel, the iran contra affair, and other such topics. it was quite interesting. i asked my grandma if she grew up during the civil rights movement and if she was friends with rosa parks. uncle bob said that my grandma was the one who gave rosa the seat on the bus. i believe him.

then i went to meijer with the madre. lame. there were creepy bugs all over my car when i went to leave. i was scared. they were going to attack me. whatev.

then i came home and watched tv and talked to my love. hes so cute. the end. i cant wait to see him in 5 days!!

so yea. im kind of scared. like i know i was scared last year for going back to school obv cause it was myfirst year of college and i didnt know what to expect. btu i know what to expect now and im still kind of scared? i dont know. i think its just the reality that i only have a few more years of this and then i have to get a real job. and pay real bills. and live a real life. hopefully with tony :) i dont know. im too young for this. i mean, come on, im 18 years old and im going to be a fricking junior in college. who does that?!?! but i brought it on myself so i really cant blame anyone. im just always in a hurry to get through things and be the best or the fastest and i dont really get to enjoy them. well from now on im taking my time and enjoying everything. because you only live once.

blah. someone work for me tomorrow. kthxbi.

carcrashending @ 2006-08-17T00:29:00

2006-08-17T04:40:38Z

so today was my physics exam. it was ok. couldve been better but im just glad that class is over. now i just have my iss final tomorrow. hopefully that goes well.

so at state, i got to see abby since she had her exam too. that was nice. but somehow we got started talking about tony and all she could say is how he isnt good enough for me and i could do so much better and that i should just break up with him because hes a loser or something. she said hes a great guy to be friends with but not a boyfriend. and then she said she thinks im too afraid to break up with him because hes my first love and i dont want to go out and meet new people or something. and like, i guess some of that is true, but i think she left out the most important part and that is that I LOVE TONY AND IM NOT GOING TO BREAK UP WITH HIM SO STOP TELLING ME TO. ugh. sorry. i love abby and all and i know she just has my best interests in mind but really, i dont expect anyone to get me and tony because no one sees him the way i do. he acts completely different around everyone else because he said he was brought up to be very private and not all showy and affectionate in public cause its rude. which is fine. but people just assume tony acts like he does around everyone else around me. which is so not true. when we are alone he is so cute and wonderful and i love him so much. and yea, i agree that its not good that he doesnt buy me things and that he sometimes neglects to tell that he loves me unless i say it first, but i dont know. im ok with it cause i know thats how he is. and im just mad that everyone of my friends and family keeps trying to get me to break up with him. im sick of having to defend him to other people and i hate how sometimes i even start to believe them.

but basically i talked to tony and he was sad that i even thought about it and basically not to listen to other people because if im happy with him thats all that matters.and i agree. and i am happy with him. and abby was like, well why do you even love him? i could list 30 reasons why i love james.... and i was like well for one he makes me happier than any single person has ever made me in my entire life. so yea. i dont know. basically, i love him, leave me alone, we arent breaking up, the end.

in other news, gary never called me so i dont know if i work tomorrow. and i prob wont wake up in time to call them and be like, uh yea im not coming in, so well just see if they call me or something. because thats so not fair. i called in 2 days in advance. whatev. ninos can suck my left nut. well i dont have one so they can suck tonys... only not really cause no one is allowed down there except me... but yea. ninos is lame.

i move to state in 3 days!!! i cant wait. i need to get away from this house and my mom. i need to just be responsible for making my own decisions and i cant have someone constantly asking where im going or whatever. plus i get to see tony! and we know thats great.

oh yea, side note. wtf is up with america? benji?? really??? come on. travis was so much better. whatev. and uhhhhhh allison? yea right. vincent was ridic. stupid heidi klum. lame.

i guess i should go do something productive. whatev.

carcrashending @ 2006-08-16T01:19:00

2006-08-16T05:26:10Z

so tomorrow is my final exam for physics. and ive been studying for 3 days straight. like 8 hours a day or something ridiculous. and im not evn done. and im so bored of studying. i want to shoot myself in the head. and im not even sure that its going to help at all. we'll see. the exam is tomorrow at state and im scared shitless. then thursday i have another final exam online for iss. i havent begun that.

and im supposed to work thursday. oops. i called and said i cant work and gary said hed call me back with names and numbers to find someone to cover for me but he never called me back. so whatever. and its not like im going to have time to call him tomorrow or that ill even remember tomorrow.

im scared. this class pretty much determines whether i get into the college of engineering or not. i need a 91 to get a 3.5 and i need a 3.5 to get into the college of engineering. scary. hopefully.

i miss tony so much. and i cant wait until i can just see him and kiss his stupid cute face and act all retarded around him like i always do. itll be really nice after not bein with him for the whole summer. but i decided the other day that im really glad i didnt cheat on him or anything because being with him even after having to wait months is so worth it because i just love him that much. and if i had kissed some other guy or something, at the time i wouldve liked it but in the end i think i wouldve felt really cheap and dirty and i probably wouldnt be able to be with tony knowing i did that and i would tell him and wed be over :( but yea. hes just really worth it to me. because even though we fight and bicker, i love him more than anything and i know he loves me the same. i think were so perfect for each other because both of us are really hard to handle and anyone else wouldve given up but somehow ive dealt with him being ridiculous and hes dealt with me and i dont know. like i dont tihnk anyone else wouldve put up with me for this long and i dont think anyone else wouldve put up with him for this long. so yea. were perfect for each other. be jealous.

i really dont want to study anymore but i really need to. ugh. its already 1:30 and im tired. and i have like wayyyyyyy more to go. someone want to take my exam for me?????? didnt think so...

ok whatev. im going to do more physics crap i hate.

carcrashending @ 2006-08-14T01:29:00

2006-08-14T05:59:33Z

so today was pretty good. uncle bob bought me a tv for school. i got some stuff i needed before i move in. and i studied a little physics. im actually studying now only trying not to because its annoying. theres just so much to study. and i only have 2 more days to study. but i need a 91 on the exam to get a 3.5 which i need in order to get into the college of engineering. if i dont, im not sure what im going to do. so im pretty stressed out right now.

i miss tony. and my mom keeps telling me its an infatuation and i dont really love him. which pisses me off cause i know i do. and so does he. and i know he loves me. but nobody knows how we are. so i hate it when people make generalizations about us when they dont even know us together. oh well. i guess the only important thing is that i know we love each other.

so i have monday and tuesday off work. to study. which is good cause work is lame but sucks cause so is studying. then i go back to work thursday, friday, and saturday and then move in sunday! i think. cause the cafe said i can move in on sunday if they get my application in the mail by wednesday. which they should cause i mailed it saturday. so hopefully! cause i need to get out of here. and i cant wait.

i hope this is a good year. im just really scared at this point because i dont know if i should even be doing engineering. i mean, i love it, and i would love to do it for a living. i think civil engineering is so fun. i just dont know if im smart enough to make it through all of the schooling and still be able to do the job once im done. but tony keeps trying to reassure me that nobody thinks they will be able to do something because you have to be trained first. so i guess well see. but it doesnt help with my mom constantly telling me i dont belong in engineering and that i should go back to english. i dont know how many times ive told her i dont want to be an english major and theres no way i will. today she was telling me about some girl who graduated from msu with a degree in english and now works in a high paid job in human resources in the hospital or something. and im like, ok wonderful, im happy for her, but i dont want to work in human resources, i dont want to be a teacher and i dont want to be an english major, no matter how much you tell me these great things. then she started yelling at me that im too cocky for an 18 year old and that i need to stop being so defensive or something because she was just trying to tell me that when you pick a major you do it because you love it, not because of the job you think will come after or something. which is great. i know that. but i dont want to do english anymore. end of story. period. ugh i just wish people would stop trying to tell me what to do. im my own person, and i can make my own mistakes. im not going to listen to you when you warn me because im pigheaded and have to learn for myself. so please stop. end of rant.

haha i should probably go back to studying. lame.

carcrashending @ 2006-08-12T20:06:00

2006-08-13T00:20:09Z

people piss me off. my friend paul and i were supposed to go see a play tonight but he bailed cause his boss called him into work even though his last day was supposed to be yesterday.

then i was going to visit tony. but hes an ass and wants to study. and so he was like, well i guess you can come over. but i could tell he didnt really want me to because he would rather study. which made me sad. and he wont take me to the howie day concert on the 26th even though he knows i love howie day. well he said he would go, but then he made me feel all guilty about it so obviously im not going to make him go if hes an ass about it. i just thought he would suck it up and go with me since he knows how much it means to me especially since i go to gay hockey games with him. its just upsetting. and somtimes i wonder if i should even stay with him. i love him more than anything. but i dont know. and one time, i told him i wanted to color him a picture and i wanted him to put it on his wall, which he does with all my stff, and he was like, val, i dont really like cute things, you know that, and i dont want to have to look at them all the time all over my walls. i was so sad. i cried. like, i dont care if he doesnt like it, but he couldve told me before i made him all of them. and i dont know. its just sad. like it seems like if he cared enough about me he would just do it cause he knows it would make me happy. but instead he makes me sad. and i dont know if its just because weve been apart pretty much all summer, but im starting to have doubts that we are even going to work out. i just feel like either he doesnt give enough or i dont give enough or something but its just not working. but it makes me sad because ive never loved somebody so much and i know he loves me so much but i just dont know what to do. im sure once we get back to school ill be fine cause ill be able to see him. although hell be hanging out with his stupid friends all the time since hes living with his best friend. and i know its mean, but im really jealous and i pretty much want him to only hang out with me. but i cant help it. and he knows that. and ughhhhh. sorry for this long rant, if anyone is even reading, it just sucks though. and i have no one to tell this crap to because the only person i talk to is tony and whenever i say this stuff to him he makes me feel guilty about it by either pointing out something i do wrong or by saying that hes a bad boyfriend and then i have to try and make him feel better. gtjnrfvmd. i dont know.

im just so sick of people. but like, if your girlfriend who youve only seen 3 times over the past 4 months, tells you she will drive an hour and a half to your house while your parents are out of town,and spend the night, but you have a test on tuesday you need to study for, wouldnt you want her to come over and just study at a different time? whatever. i guess im being selfish here. although i too have a final exam to study for and i was willing to give up my study time for him... whatever. im sick of boys.

i guess ill go study physics now since i have no friends...

carcrashending @ 2006-08-10T23:05:00

2006-08-11T03:12:13Z

umm basically. today sucked. work was lame. adrean was annoying as usual. even though sometimes she is cool. yulie was cute and bought me lunch. cause shes so sweeeet and russian.

then i left. and went over my grandmas. to pay bills. and out of the $490 i had after my paycheck, i had used $440 on bills, then another 30 on gas. which means, i have $20 left for the next 2 weeks. lovely.

marlene and i went to meijer and spent too much of moms money. she was piiiiiissed. whatev. we needed food. she can deal.

then tony called. i was kind of mean to him cause im stressed out. mainly cause the cafe wants me to move in early but they havent told me when yet and adrean is bugging me cause im scheduled for next weekend and i dont know if i can work. sorry.

but i was mean to tony. and i feel bad. and his phone kept breaking out cause saginaw is gay and has bad service. so i yelled at him. and got really frustrated and hung up on him. im mean. sorry tony, i love you :)

now im watching its always sunny in philadelphia. which is hilarious. very dry. val kind of funny. which i happen to think is a really great kind of funny.

ew i have to work tomorrow. 11-7. lame. then saturday 9:30-5. 5th day in a row. too much for me. cause im lazy. but then i have 4 days off for my exam.

i love tony. because hes cute. and i want to see him. the end. good day sir.

carcrashending @ 2006-08-09T21:15:00

2006-08-10T01:27:06Z

so right now im watching the so you think you can dance finale. intense. then after mar and i are going over audreys to watch project runway. which will be awesome. cause its project runway.

in other news, i worked today. which was lame. but greg seems to make work worth while cause hes interesting to talk to. i also work tomorrow, friday and saturday but then i have 4 days off. and i may not be going back after that? i dont know. i got offered a job at the cafe, which sucks, but it means i could move in like a week early. which is awesome considering my house sucks. so i might take the offer. but i feel bad cause im already scheduled to work next week. whatev im sure some people will be willing to pick up some extra shifts.

i miss my poopface. hes so cute. and i get to see him in 2 weeks!!! i love him so much. but sometimes i think too much about retarded stuff and we fight about the dumbest things ever and im like, ugh i could find someone so much better. but i think its only because weve only seen each other 3 times the whole summer. when hes in front of me in person and i can see him, things are wonderful. so i think im just growing restless since i cant see him yet and im picking fights we wouldnt normally have. but whatever. hes so cute. and he would do anything for me. cause hes whipped. and he admits it. proudly. lol. ah i love him. and i cant wait to see him and his fattypantsness. tgjnerfmkvsd. :)

ok im done. travis is dancing. hes amazing. the end.

carcrashending @ 2006-08-07T18:33:00

2006-08-07T22:33:05Z

today at marshall fields, i saw angelas creation from project runway. made me happy. even though she is ridiculously terrible. the end.

rawrrr

2006-08-07T00:54:05Z

umm i miss eljay. and brigitte reminded me how much i loved it when she mentioned it yesterday. so maybe ill start it up again. cause im cool like that. i know i always say that, but lets see if i really do this time...

today was lame. worked. ew. ninos sucks. but ill be sad to miss it because the people are cool. it sucks that joanna and kelly are gone now cause they are pretty much the coolest. whatev. only 2 1/2 more weeks there then im done til christmas. if i even come back for christmas.

i go back to school in 2 1/2 weeks. exciting. i miss it so much. and i miss my fatty pants tony even more. hes so cute. and ill be able to see him allllllll the time when we go back. and on thursday and friday night when we move back in, abby wont be there yet, so tony promised to spend the night so i wont be scared cause im alone :) im excited.

umm i tihnk next week paul, mar and i are going to see wct's lame production of beauty and the beast. what a joke. but hey, we didnt do the show this year, and we cant really go more than a year without seeing boots or g traz. itll be amusing to say the least.

yea thats about it. no work tomorrow!! which is awesome. cause i can sleep in. and do nothing all day. which i never get to do. who works pretty much full time and take 15 credits over summer?!? lame. whatev.

have fun.

carcrashending @ 2006-04-19T13:03:00

2006-04-19T17:08:28Z

i miss livejournal. i think im going to write it in again cause it makes me happy.

so basically things are going ok. my classes are taking forever to be over. im doing ok i guess. but engineering is hard. im pretty sure im going to fail my computer class unless by some miracle i do well on the next exam and the final. we'll see.

life is pretty good though. tony is amazing. i dont want to leave him for the summer. but i decided to come home for the summer and take classes online/at troy high through state. plus i still have my job at ninos. and i want a new car. hopefully the internship i applied for this summer decides to be nice and hire me. that would be awesome. i still havent decided if im going to do warren civiv but i dont think so cause i think my one class is monday and wednesday nights from 6-10. but we'll see.

only 1.5 weeks left of classes, then finals, and then im done. yay. and next year will be even more awesome cause abby is going to be my roommate and obviouly well have fun. plus im living in tonys dorm so ill be see him all the time.

i dont really have anytihng else to say so i guess i should get back to doing my civil egr paper or something. whatever.

carcrashending @ 2006-02-26T15:31:00

2006-02-26T20:40:21Z

so i just realized ive let my lj die which makes me sad. because i used to write in here religiously. and now apparently the last time ive written in here was january 1st? i guess i just feel like i have nothing important to say/ no one really cares even if i did. but i feel like updating. pretty much because i dont want to study right now even though i should.

i have a chem test tomorrow and im slightly scared but i think ill be ok. plus my manager at work is amazing and loves me and let me call in today even though he like never lets people call in. so i got some studying done when i shouldve been at work.

basically my life has consisted of class, tony, a little bit of work, and doing nothing beause im lazy. i should probably stop doing that. and i need to do homework more. but it sucks cause in high school i never had to ever do homework and i got a's on pretty much everything and now im trying to continue my study habits but its pretty much kicking me in the ass. oh well.

yea so right now im a civil engineering major but uh apparently im not so hot at technical classes. but i dont want to go back to being an english major cause i dont want to be a teacher. and basically i dont know what im doing with my life. but does anyone really?

so i wasnt sure what i wanted to do with my summer this year, whether i should go study abroad in russia or try to get an internship or something. so i came to the conclusion that im going to just stay here at state, take a few classes, and work in the cafe. maybe become a manager cause apparently if you work over the summer youre pretty much guaranteed a manger position. i already got my financial aid processed so im pretty sure thats what ill do.

next week is break. which will be nice to take a break from all of this and relax and maybe catch up on some homework i havent done yet. but i also dont really want to leave and break this little routine im in. plus my car is broken and i wont be able to go anywhere which sucks. oh well.

hmm this entry seems kind of long. so i think ill be done or something. whatever. maybe ill continue writing in here just becaus it makes me feel better and i miss it.

carcrashending @ 2006-01-01T17:02:00

2006-01-01T22:16:08Z

so another year. but this time im pretty optimistic. things are going really well for me. i guess someone felt bad for screwing me over for most of my life and decided to give me a break. ehh. maybe not. but whatever. im excited for this year. i think it will be really great. i mean, i love school, i love my friends, i love my boyfriend, pretty much everything is going great.

but i want to go back to state like NOW. this boredom is killing me. i have not hung out with anyone since ive been home because of this lame mono. but i actually feel better today and i felt better yesterday so maybe ill give aud a call later or tomorrow or something. who knows. but yea. i miss tony. i miss abby. i miss phil. hahaha. i miss rob. i miss all of our guys. :( oh well. one more week and i can go back.

im so excited for this semester. my classes are pretty cool especially since i already have friends in them. tony is in my chemistry and chem lab and rob is in my calc 2 and computer science thing so the only one ill have alone is my civil engineering class. but yea. ah.

and this summer there is a chance i could get a co-op job at like a real engineering company and get paid like alot of money and work like 40 hours a week. but the only problem is that for civil engineering their co-ops last for 6 month periods so i would have to miss fall semester of 06 even though i would technically still be considered a full time student since the job would be for my major or whatever.

but yea. and im pretty sure that they like provide an apt if its away from home or away from school or something so that would be aweome. tony is looking into doing the same thing for his major. that would be great if both of us got one and they were like right by each other. haha and he said if he gets one and i dont or vice versa i can live in his apt this summer or i will let him live in mine. so all is well. but i still havent decided what im doing. plus ill have to get info on a job opening, interview, actually GET the job, and take it from there. so well see.

and hopefully uncle bob will help me buy a new car in may or whatever. he said he will so he probably will cause ub is usually good for those things.

so yea im really excited. hbrnejgnf. one week left and ill be back home. is that silly that i consider east lansing more my home than troy? eh not really. i mean, i do spend 9 out of the 12 months in the year there. so whatev. the only thing that will suck about going back is the possibility that tony will get mono from me which would be bad. and i would feel guilty. even though its not actually my fault. but still. hopefully he doesnt get it. and i am all better by then. hopefully.

i have nothing to do today. maybe ill read my book. rose bought me survivor by chuck palahniuk. i started reading it but im too lazy to finish. haha. maybe ill save it for during the week or something. who knows.

i dont really have anything else to say. and i dont even really think any of this was really important to have sat here and typed it out nor do i think anyone will have read up to this point in my update. but it wasted 15 minutes of my time so who cares.

carcrashending @ 2005-12-28T22:11:00

2005-12-29T03:20:27Z

so this break has been pretty uneventful for me. first i closed the car door on my finger like my second day home, ended up in the er and had to get stitches so that was fun. then ive been really exhausted and whatnot and recently its been like hard to breathe cause it feels like my throat is closing up so yesterday my mom took me to the er yet again, my second time in the past week, and i found out i have mono. which let me tell you is not fun. so basically i cant work and i cant hang out with anyone for at least another week if not two. which sucks.

so basically i sleep, watch tv, and talk to tony on the phone. its so boring. and it wouldnt be so bad but the hardest part of it all is being so far away from tony and not being able to see him. because hes so amazing and incredible and ahh. i cant explain. hes just great. and i know ive only been with him for like a month and a half but hes just so great and im so lucky to have him. but the greatest thing is just how insanely similar we are. were so lucky to have found each other.

but yea. i really just want to feel better and to go back to school cause this sucks. plus the fact that my car wont even start and i dont have insurance so i cant even drive anywhere if i did want to hang out with people. but whatever. hopefully ill feel better next week and theyll give me an insane amount of hours at ninos or something and ill have something to keep me preoccupied. or i guess i could like start reading my books for my classes to get prepared for the new classes or something. but im lazy so i probably will continue to do nothing.

blah. im gonna go now cause marlene is here and im on the phone with tony. uhngtrkg

carcrashending @ 2005-12-17T00:45:00

2005-12-17T05:54:38Z

so im home for the next three weeks. i already miss msu. and im insanely bored. because theres nothing to do here. and i dont really have any friends here anymore. so im updating livejournal. haha. and constantly checking my student account to find out my grades. i got a 4.0 in calc which is like amazing, especially given the prof i had.

yea. and i changed my major civil engineering. because i love math. and for english i would have t be a teacher and crative all the time and i couldnt handle it. plus its not reliable and i have so many loans to pay back. so yea. civil engineering it is!! im actually really excited about it though.

lets see. what else is new... oh i met a boy. his name is tony. and he is great. buuuut he lives an hour and a half away which sucks because now i cant see him. but yea. hes pretty amazing. and we get along really well.

i hate michigan state book stores fr ripping us off. after spending $550 on books for the fall ut of my own pocket, i got $33 back. granted i did not sell back my calc book because we need it for calc 2 and it was the most expensive book and then i didnt sell back russian because im not sure if i want to take it or what, but still. of the books i took back, they were worth about $200 and i got back 33. then i bought my books for second semester and they cost $250. would have cost more but i keep the same calc book and i bought my friend abbys chemistry stuff off of her. ugh. ridiculous.

i need a job now. ninos called but im not sure if they need me. hopefully they do otherwise i will be job hunting tomorrow. which sucks cause ill be here for like 3 weeks. ugh. whatever. at least ill still get a paycheck from the cafe in 2 weeks.

i love how i really have nothing else to say but im so insanely bored that i continue to write. and how i havent updated in like a month. haha. but seriously.no one uses livejournal anymore. which i dont understand. because i hate myspace. i tihnk its so dumb. and i dont know how to use it. but i guess its because im pretty much addicted to facebook. haha.

ok well i guess i should go sleep or something.

carcrashending @ 2005-12-01T21:27:00

2005-12-02T02:28:01Z

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want, either good or bad.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

carcrashending @ 2005-11-17T12:53:00

2005-11-17T17:57:19Z

havent updated in like forever. been busy. and my computer broke. was without for almost a month. i think a part of me died. srsly. but now its back. and i feel whole again.

alot has been going on. work. classes. homework. partying. haha. i seriously love it here. and i have the mose awesome friends. bascially it usually ends up being me and abby and a group of guys. haha. usually including but not limited to phil and eric. this friday we are going to the hockey game with eric, phil, rob, ryan, and tony. then to phils after. it is going to be so much fun.

i dont really have much else to say i guess.

next week ill be home for thanksgiving. which i guess will be nice, but ill definately miss msu.

recently i discovered the bands aqualung, eisley, and imogen heap and i seriously love them. amazing. mainly the song another little hole by aqualung. everyone should go download it cause its that good.

ok i need to shower now.

carcrashending @ 2005-11-07T22:07:00

2005-11-08T03:08:50Z

question of the day:

would you take off your clothes in front of a group of over 100 people for 2 million dollars?

for real, in all honesty, would you?

carcrashending @ 2005-10-19T22:04:00

2005-10-20T02:06:14Z

so i am going to make this journal friends only because im sick of someone leaving anonymous comments without even having the balls to leave his/her name. so if you actually want to read this and arent already a friend, then ask and ill probably add you.

carcrashending @ 2005-10-15T14:41:00

2005-10-15T19:00:35Z

so i was reading the book the perks of being a wallflower and there was this poem that i love that charlie gives patrick for christmas and i when i read it i remembered how much i love it. so i decided i should post it because its that good.

once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines

he wrote a poem

and he called it "chops"

because that was the name of his dog

and thats what it was all about

and his teacher gave him an a

and a gold star

and his mother hung it on the kitchen door

and read it to his aunts

that was the year father tracy

took all the kids to the zoo

and he let them sing on the bus

and his little sister was born

with tiny toenails and no hair

and his mother and father kissed alot

and the girl around the corner sent him a

valentine signed with a row of x's

and he has to ask his father what the x's meant

and his fater always tucked him in bed at night

and was always there to do it

once on a piece of white paper with blue lines

he wrote a poem

and he called it "autumn"

because that was the name of the season

and that's what it was all about

and his teacher gave him an a

and asked him to write more clearly

and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door

because of its new paint

and the kids told him

that father tracy smoked cigars

and left butts on the pews

and sometimes they would burn holes

that was the year his sister got glasses

with thick lenses and black frames

and the girl around the corner laughed

when he asked her to go see santa claus

and the kids told him why

his mother and father kissed alot

and his father never tucked him in bed at night

and his father got mad

when he cried for him to do it.

once on a paper torn from his notebook

he wrote a poem

and he called it "innocence: a question"

because that was the question about his girl

and that's what it was all about

and his professor gave him an a

and a strange steady look

and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door

because he never showed her

that was the year that father tracy died

and he forgot how the end

of the apostle's creed went

and he caught his sister

making out on the back porch

and his mother and father never kissed

or even talked

and the girl around the corner

wore too much makeup

that made him cough when he kissed her

but he kissed her anyway

because that wasthe thing to do

and at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed

his father snoring loudly

that's why on the back of a brown paper bag

he tried another poem

and he called it "absolutely nothing"

because that's what it was really about

and he gave himself an a

and a slash on each damned wrist

and he hung it on the bathroom door

because this time he didn't think

he could reach the kitchen

carcrashending @ 2005-10-13T12:49:00

2005-10-13T17:00:56Z

wow i find that i rarely ever update this thing anymore. partly because i am so busy all the time and partly because i dont really have anything worth writing i guess. but college is pretty amazing. i have classes pretty much between 8 am and 3 pm. then work from 3:30-9 but then after 9 i can do pretty much whatever so its cool.

im still really confused about my major and what i want to do. like im an english major which is cool and all cause i want to be a writer, but i know that english and writing will never earn me enough money to pay back my loans and whatnot. so then i was considering becoming either a professor or a high school teacher and just write on the side but i seriously cant imagine myself teaching people.

then i was bored so i took the spanish placement test and i placed into spanish 250 which is like intense intermediate advanced spanish or something ridiculous. and then i remembered how much i miss spanish. soooo needless to say, i am now taking spanish AND russian in the spring. haha shoot me now.

but i really think i want to do something like be a translator or something cause they make a lot of money and i am really good at languages, whether i do spanish or russian or both, it doesnt really matter to me. then that way i can be a writer on the side or something. plus most people find foreign languages hard to learn and they pretty much come naturally to me. so yea. but im going to go see an advisor to see what they say.

i just took like the best nap everrr. it was pretty amazing. im not gonna lie. i never get to nap anymore since my classes go pretty much all day and my work goes all evening. pah.

umm. what else is new... oh, marlene and audrey are coming up to visit me this weekend so thatsexciting. because we are so cool. and audrey sends me the most amazing random shit online. just thought i would add. like salad fingers. hahaha.

wow this entry was so lame. and pointless. i should just not post it, but whatever, i spent like 5 minutes writing it so its going up.

yea but recently with my philosophy class and english ive been having these ridiculously philosophical thoughts on life and everything and its just crazy. i would write about them right now but i dont feel like it plus it would take forever. and i have to leave for class in half an hour. ughh. ok im done.

carcrashending @ 2005-10-08T12:12:00

2005-10-08T16:29:52Z

</p>

Steve Buscemi says HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARLENE!

some oatmeal

some kowalski hunter sausage from nino salvaggios

some gatorade, only in juice box form.

some velcro shoes

some slippers

a banana clip

a basket of yarn so we can weave it around our house to make a lifesize spiderweb

and of course, babar the movie.

happy birthday bitch.