it will all go back to the way its supposed to be. [entries|friends|calendar] valerie Information | Friends | Archives [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[Saturday September 30th, 2006 at 4:36pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | nobody needs to know- last five years ] update? i think so. so i failed my calc and physics exam and got a 60 on my statics exam. wow im doing great, right? i just cant seem to motivate myself to study anymore. im not sure what the hell is going on with me. im just so lazy and im hoping and praying that i can just go to a few classes and do a few assignments and not really put any effort into class and still manage to pass like i did in high school. but im starting to think i cant. which is scary. i dont fail. i just dont. even spring semester when i was so scared of failing calc 2 and computer science, i managed to pass with a 2.0 which was really good. and now im taking classes i should be able to do because they arent even that hard, but i cant seem to study or even make it to class. i do have another statics exam next friday, so im going to try and bring that one up but well see. tony and i havent been too good lately. we almost broke up. i wanted to die. bascially he did something he promised he wouldnt and when i asked him he lied and said he didnt. then i found a message he sent a friend saying he did the thing. i seriously didnt even know what to do. and for that 2 hour period of screaming and tears i didnt think i could ever love someone who could lie to me. i punched him in the face twice. hahaha. apparently i have a killer right hook. who'da thunk it? but after me telling him how everyone was right and that hes a loser and so disgusting, etc, he basically broke down and started crying. it was so scary. he doesnt cry. ever. like. NEVER. and to just see him so low and hurt and sorry. i dont know. there was no way i couldnt try to make things work. but alot of things were said that i know have been on both of our minds for some time but we were too afraid to say them. i think it was good though. because now its all in the open. apparently he felt i was being too controlling and jealous and it was frustrating him and thats why he didnt want to move in with me next year. but he didnt say anything because as long as i was happy he was ok with pretending he was too. i dont know. he said he kind of wanted to break up with me but after all of that happened he got really scared he was going to lose me and apparently he appreciates me so much more now. which is good. and i feel like things are going to be ok. i hope. i really really do. i want things to be ok more than anything. so last night we just stayed in and didnt drink or anything and we just sat on his couch and watched v for vendetta, which by the way is a great movie. and i couldnt help but think of michelle's obsession she always writes about in here about that movie. lol. but anyways, it was nice to just sit there and do nothing with him. he even bought me flowers. he said it was the first time he ever bought flowers in his life. haha. so that says something. now im at work. and i should be doing homework. but i really dont want to. oh well. i have another 3 hours here and 4 more tomorrow so im sure itll get done by then. i guess im gonna go do something else cause writing in this is boring me. and i dont know why but im seriously obsessed with the last five years right now. i had it blaring in my room and some girl shouted "good song room 326". haha. apparently someone else likes it too? ok bye. 1 | comment?

[Thursday September 21st, 2006 at 8:39pm] [ mood | ambitious ] [ music | great gig in the sky- pink floyd ] so today was quite interesting. i had work from 9-1, honors research seminar from 3-3:50, physics from 4:10-5, calc from 6-7:10, and now im back at work from 8-11. ugh. but really. what would i be doing in my room? messing around on the computer, watching sex and the city, and not doing homework. so basically im getting paid right now to do the same as i would be otherwise. minus sex and the city. but still. so i got my first calc 3 exam back today. i got a 39. not good. not good at all. i really need to start putting more effort or something into school. i think i might need to get a tutor for it because i really cant afford to get a 2.0 in anything anymore. and i have a physics exam on thursday which im extremely nevous about. but sexy rob said he would help me study so between him and my roomie who is a former physics major, im sure i can pull off at least a 70. wow that sounds bad. especially since i used to freak out if i got like under an 80. oh well. live and learn. but yea. ive been rethinking my major bigtime. its just so hard. and abby and i were talking cause she switched from physics to earth science, and like, its really not worth it if i put so much effort into this and barely get by and im not even happy. i want to enjoy college, study and good amount, but still have fun and get decent grades. i mean, im not asking for all 4.0's but at least a 3.0 isnt too much to ask. so ive been rethinking why i even chose civil engineering. and i dont really know if i chose it for the right reasons. i mean, yea i want money and i know that sounds bad but when youve lived in poverty for most of your life, you tend to want to prevent any possibility of that happening again. so i chose engineering cause they get paid so much money. and i love it. but i dont know if i can do it. so basically ive been considering possibly education. secondary. maybe teaching math or english or biology. i dont know. but what sucks at that now that im technically a junior by credit, i should already be in the college of education and im not. so i dont know how that is going to work out. but im going to see an advisor tomorrow to figure some things out. hopefully she can help a little. i just want to be happy. and last night i cried for like 20 minutes before going to sleep while tony lay next to me. and i was just so overcome with not knowing what to do. basically my family is really proud of me for even getting into msu to begin with because nobody in my family went to college let alone a state university. and i dont know. i cant get the image out of my head of one time with uncle bob and i was saying that i didnt know if i could do it and he told me im the smartest person he knows and he thinks i can do it. and like, letting him down is something i couldnt do. because he is like a father to me. and more of a parent than my mother ever was. i dont know. i just dont want to let them down. and then theres my mom who always told me i couldnt do it because im bad at math or im not smart enough for engineering or when she said i wasnt smart enough to go to msu. i just want to prove her wrong i guess and show that i can do anything i set my mind to. so basically the conclusion to all that rambling: i am going to try to finish this semester and see where i stand at the end. if i get through these classes and decide its too hard and not worth it, then ill change to education. if i feel that if i put enough effort into it and can do it, then ill give it another try. so we'll see. man i miss livejournal. even though i know nobody reads this, its good to be able to write in this and express what im going through lately and thinking that maybe somebody out there is reading it and knows what im going through. maybe not. but its just nice to know there is a chance. so i guess i should go do some homework and study because if im going to be an engineer, i need to work for it. | comment?

[Tuesday September 19th, 2006 at 12:30pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] [ music | the next ten minutes- the last five years ] so its been a while. but im at work. and i feel like updating. um. classes are going ok. theyre hard but then again so is engineering. ive been feeling really nostalgic lately. i dont know why. i just miss so many things. i miss being in high school and my biggest worry being how we are going to get a show running by the end of tech week or what im going to do after the show. i just miss not having so much goddamn responsibility. and altough i always have had to be responsible for myself in one way or another, this is so much different because im making decisions that are going to effect the rest of my life. and recently ive been questioning my degree choice. i mean, i love engineering and its really interesting and fun, but at the same time its just so hard and i really dont know if i am smart enough to do it. i really miss being an english major but lets face it, that was going nowhere fast. i wish i could be one of those starvin artist people who live for their art and dont let money or anything get in the way of that. and while in a sense i am one of those people because i dont really care if i live in a massive house or a small apartment and i dont really care if i drive a mercedes or my little neon, but at the same time, i know this is my future and i would like some sort of stability to depend on. i dont know. and paul keeps trying to convince me to become an english teacher or something but at the same time, i would not be a good teacher and im half way through my major. like ill seriously be done after fall semester 08. so itll be like these 2 years of hard work were all in vain and completely useless. maybe i could try to get a degree in civil engineering and then also get a second major in english or something. i dont know. i should go see an advisor. other then that, my life has been pretty slow. ive been working at the map library. which is really nice. cause its quiet and pretty much no one comes in here. so im by myself or with one or two other workers and i just kind of do my own thing. its nice. esp compared to the cafe or ninos which were hella busy all the time. ew i just said hella. haha. tony and i have been good lately. and i know its probably just me being paranoid, but sometimes i get scared he doesnt like me anymore. but then there are times i know he loves me more than anything. i dont know. maybe weve just been together for a long time and its like that new relationship phase is over and now were into a new phase. i dont know. but yesterday was our 10 months. which i know isnt really long in the grand scope of things, esp compared to marlene who has been with shawn for like 20 years, but for me its a long time. im listening to the last five years. good album. it makes me so...i dont know. i love it. i miss my theatre days. when i would go to school for 8 hours and then stay for a 5 hour shop call. or tech weeks. haha. good times. but at the same time im so over theatre. its nice to listen to old broadway shows and reminisce though. only 15 minutes left of work. i should go reshelf these books before i leave. ya know, actually do work since im at work instead of updating lj. whatev. there are so many dreams i need to see with you... there are so many years i need to be with you... i will never be complete i will never be alive i will never change the world until i do 1 | comment?

[Sunday August 20th, 2006 at 8:36pm] [ mood | awake ] [ music | the pig war- minus the bear ] so today was pretty cool. i moved in. and it sucked not having an elevator and having to move everyting up to the 3rd floor using stairs. whatev. ub gave me some money for books. sweet. we ate dinner. it was grand. they all left. i cleaned a little. went to my cafe meeting. lame. haha. but i told the manager that i applied to be a student supervisor and never got an interview and she said maybe in a few weeks after we get up and running cause they really need more or something? so thats good. then i came back. did some more cleaning. met the neighbors. they are really cool. invited me to go out with them tonight. i probably will seeing as how i have nothing to do tonight. phil might come visit tomorrow and spend the night so we can drink our asses off. rob will obviously be joining. duh. only i have to work at 9 on tuesday so well see. right now im just chilling. everything is pretty much put away. im about to hop in the shower. maybe take the girls up on their offer to hang out tonight. probably. tomorrow i have work from 9-5. lame. i get to be trained to do things in the cafe i already know how to do. wtf cafe. but i miss tony. and i wish he were here :/ oh well. i get to see him in 3 days! im so excited. he probably could care less. haha. just kidding. but yea. so i guess im gonna go do something better now. 5 | comment?

[Saturday August 19th, 2006 at 1:45am] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | pachuca sunrise-minus the bear ] so today was pretty lame. worked from 9:30-5. didnt want to. dont want to work tomorrow. my mom keeps telling me to call in. but i dont think its responsible esp since its my last day. but in all fairness i have absolutely nothing done for moving in sunday. all of my stuff needs to be gone through and packed and whatnot. and uncle bob wants to leave early sunday morning. like 9 or 10. so yea. ugh. whatever. after work uncle bob and i went to dinner. went to grandmas house. discussed the politics of the war in vietnam, e85 fuel, the iran contra affair, and other such topics. it was quite interesting. i asked my grandma if she grew up during the civil rights movement and if she was friends with rosa parks. uncle bob said that my grandma was the one who gave rosa the seat on the bus. i believe him. then i went to meijer with the madre. lame. there were creepy bugs all over my car when i went to leave. i was scared. they were going to attack me. whatev. then i came home and watched tv and talked to my love. hes so cute. the end. i cant wait to see him in 5 days!! so yea. im kind of scared. like i know i was scared last year for going back to school obv cause it was myfirst year of college and i didnt know what to expect. btu i know what to expect now and im still kind of scared? i dont know. i think its just the reality that i only have a few more years of this and then i have to get a real job. and pay real bills. and live a real life. hopefully with tony :) i dont know. im too young for this. i mean, come on, im 18 years old and im going to be a fricking junior in college. who does that?!?! but i brought it on myself so i really cant blame anyone. im just always in a hurry to get through things and be the best or the fastest and i dont really get to enjoy them. well from now on im taking my time and enjoying everything. because you only live once. blah. someone work for me tomorrow. kthxbi. | comment?

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]